They say the “heart of the home” is the kitchen. If that is true, my kitchen’s heart is black and cruel. It’s attitude stinks. It is refusing to pull its weight for our family of 8. This week our working relationship went from strained… to toxic. I’m breaking up with it unless something changes. I can’t take it anymore! I’m writing an open letter to my kitchen, in order to share my true feelings and attempt to fix what is broken. Here it goes…deep breath…I can do this.
I hate admitting it but I’ve been looking at other kitchens on Pinterest. I can’t help myself. It’s like porn for housewives. I can’t live with it anymore. It makes me feel cheap. Like the laminate counter-tops in my laundry room, that I despise so much. I’m just not attracted to you anymore and I can’t help but feel like it’s my own fault. I want to be in love with you but right now, I’m in like. Up until this point, I’ve just been staying for the kids. They’re too young to understand what’s really going on.
Maybe its Valentine’s Day approaching, that has me thinking about how much I really do love you and all of our great memories together. I have come to realize I need you. We need you. We are just going to have to let go of a few things and move on. Problems are going to be solved around our (at this point very, very cramped) table. We could be so beautiful together. I’m accepting the role I played in our issues. Like cheap lighting and broken blinds. I’m so sorry… sobs…please forgive me. Would this make it up to you?
What about this?!? I’ll do anything to get you back…
No? You are playing hard to get? Okay. I think this should do the trick. I was going to surprise you but no greater time than the present!
While I’m being honest, I need to tell you something. In order for our relationship to work, you’re two unruly friends Jenny Aire and W. Pool Oven have to go. They’re making us both look bad and its starting to upset me. W. Pool Oven crossed the line this week. During August’s 4th birthday party, he shut off and almost ruined my baby’s not-made-from-scratch red velvet cake. A line has been drawn in the sand and there is no turning back for me. Our relationship is over. Jenny is as fickle, cold, and inconsiderate as W. She is riding on the good name of her family but I can see right through her.
Those two should have known better than to mess with me. Last year, W. Pool’s brother Dish Washer tried to get cute and just quit. He has been replaced by my now closest friend, Mr. Bosch. We all know how much I hate hand washing, so I showed him the door. I have no tolerance for that sort of callous behavior. I know it seems cruel but they will rot at Habitat for Humanity forever for what they did to me. It’s an appliance’s Hell and they deserve it!!! I hope they rust.
All the ugliness has become toxic for me and I’ve enabled it for far too long. I know I’ve made mistakes. I never meant to hurt you. Like the time I Chalk Painted your island. It was a cheap shot. I took a shortcut and shirked my responsibility in making our relationship work. I apologize. It will never happen again. I didn’t know what I was doing. Adventures In Decorating and Savvy Southern Style made it look so tempting. All I ask Dear Kitchen is that you don’t share that. The damage to my reputation could be irreparable. If word got out… I could be ruined. Please. Just. Don’t.
We will work on this together. I will be there for you. I understand you have your issues too: your peeling pickled oak, broken drawers, and worn-out looking floors. I know you’re feeling “broken.” I know that we can fix these things if you will let me help you. I promise that this time I will be right there by your side. We can even hire a professional if you think that’s what we need. I understand why you don’t trust me. If you need someone to talk to…the laundry room is right down the hall. I’m sorry to say that she knows exactly how you feel.
I know you feel like I failed you before but this time it’s going to be different. Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end, so they say. Let’s begin where the 90’s ended, start fresh, and turn this thing around. Just like Flea Market Trixie did.
We can celebrate by inviting our closest friends Sherwin Williams and Benjamin Moore over. Maybe I’ll invite H. Depot and the Lowes too. The more the merrier. They always light up a room and add such color to our get-togethers. DK I just can’t quit you. Let’s make beautiful memories together.